sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Did I show you my penis last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
