dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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