K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
