Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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