My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
