what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
