Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drake has all the answers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
