She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
