I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
3pm strippers are depressing
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
