Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
