I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
