fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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