I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
