I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
