3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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