You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
