It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
