the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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