Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
