Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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