If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
