I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
In America we eat man semen.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
