My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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