Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
