I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
