my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
