my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
