I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
