how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
