I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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