if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
