Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How does one acquire holy water?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
