i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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