he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
