i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
