u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
