Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
