I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
