I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
