apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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