Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
