LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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