I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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