Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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