either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
