did you get engaged???
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
