I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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