Whod you bang
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
