I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
