In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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