I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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