so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
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She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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