Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
