i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
