you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
