I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
