Only a mothe r could love this liver
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
