k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
His nipple licking is glorious
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