You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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